“Five reasons why women stay in “Bad Relationships!”
Let’s face it most of us at some point have been involved in some type of bad relationship. The type of relationship that made you asked yourself, “should I stay or should I leave?” Or you may consider, “Have I stayed too long and left way too late?”
Recently, I’ve asked many women and some men why do they, (women), stay in a bad relationship rather than pack their things and go? There were many varied responses. For many women, who responded to the questions, stated,
“I hang around because, I have put in the work and I deserve the commitment. We all know that the commitment is considered the finish line for us women in our adult lives. I believe that men should make a conscious decision to commit and do it right now!”
But more than often women are finding out that many men are not ready to commit, no matter what they say or what they do:
“I purchased a Victoria Secret outfit weekly so that he would realize that he would know I would always keep him satisfied and happy,” explained Vanessa
“I welcomed a partner in our bed,” explained Miss Anonymous
“I backed it up, flipped it over, wore skimpy outfits,” explained Wanda
“I made love to his mind and body,” explained Lisa
“I made sure we were financially secure,” explained Vanessa
“You name it, I did it,” explained Melisa
After hearing some of the women responses about what they were doing, I couldn’t help but think, these women, not excluding myself, seemed to be doing all the so-called right things, then why were they not receiving the commitment they were looking for?
In fact, many of them told me they had given themselves a deadline that if he did not commit they would leave, but they didn’t. Many of them agreed that they have stayed way too long in the relationship knowing that he probably wouldn’t commit.
What these women could not understand is why have they decided to stay rather than leave? So let’s explore, “Why do women stay too long and leave way too late?”
Maisha B. PoetrynLove stated, “ABUSE- when we are emotionally and/or physically abused, we are afraid to leave. Fear. Fear of being alone…Hope. Hoping that the person will revert back to the way he was when we first met him. Emotions vs. Intellect- making decisions based on emotion when we should compartmentalize, put our emotions to the side and make decisions based in intellect. Lack of self love- the inability to recognize that we must love ourselves more than we THINK he loves us…
Fred Meltzer believe, “Because most of them would rather have SOMEONE than be alone…and may think they deserve the abuse because of something in their past. It’s the same reason men (and women) cling to addictions. They avoid the lows by staying in a safe or known relationship, and as a result miss out on the highs from truly living life. It’s hard to do, to break the cycle, and involves a trough of some kind for a period of time, and most people don’t think that’s worth going through, or that they are strong enough to weather it, so they stay where they are…there, rant over.”
William Blue stated, “Why does anyone for that matter. Sometimes it takes intestinal fortitude (courage) and the belief that there is better out there!”
Celeste Duckworth agreed with Fred by stating, “After last nights program I would say that it is a case of thinking they can change the situation, scared of the future alone, and self-esteem issues. I so agree with what Fred said as well.
Latrina Sam Johnson responded, “Great question. However the answer is impossible to be simple with such degrees of variations. Some women stay because they did not have a father to teach them how a man is suppose to love a woman according to Godly principles. Some women stay because their mother stayed in an abusive relationship. Other women stay because they hope their partner will change while others stay because they have yet to love themselves.”
William P. Hohman explained, “Being a guy I surely don’t believe that I have a revelation on this, but after 34 years of ministry, this is one of my perspectives. I think that sometimes women let a motherly instinct dominate them and they think that eventually they can fix it. They have to learn how to be a wife first, and mother their children and not their man. Respectfully submitted.”
According to one of the young ladies on Love and Hip Hop, “I know what I have.”
Jameliah stated, “He comes home to me so I could care less about who he’s with and what he’s doing and with who he’s doing it with?”
Mary agreed “They say if you don’t work hard for it then it’s not worth it, right?”
Mickie stated, “I know he loves me, and he knows I’m a good woman, but he’s afraid of taking the next step.”
Patricia explained, “People call it emotional abuse when he yells to say, you’re texting and calling too much. I actually believe he is helping me to keep things (our relationship) in perspective so that I don’t appear as though I’m an insecure woman and I appreciate that.”
As I read the responses that were sent to me, I identified five reasons why women stay too long in a bad relationship.
- Some women stay too long because they embrace the fantasy more than the reality.
This woman believes that life is a fairy tale. Anita Baker sings a song entitled, “Fairy Tales.” In this song, she contrasted what should be considered ‘reality’ and what should be considered ‘fantasy’. This woman has a hard time separating the two, because of her unrestrained imagination. She is of the mindset that life is and should be perfect. Even if the man is doing something wrong, she won’t see it nor acknowledge it because in her world, the setting is perfect, and everything is in its proper place. She’s an enabler to a man she knows is imperfect, because again nothing in her world will be ‘out of place’. If his conduct is incorrect she believes she can change him so she stays put.
Sidebar Ladies remember, “Men don’t change their behaviors because we ask them to or because we doing all the right things. Men don’t respond to women who attempt to “coax or cajoling them.” No matter how much we women try, we cannot make a tiger change his stripes. A man will decide to commit to a woman when he’s ready. According to one psychologist, “sadly, this awakening usually comes after his relationship failed. A savvy woman he might meet later knows immediately whether or not he has his emotional life together because she knows how and what to ask.”
“If you want the right answer then ask the right questions.” This can be tricky because some men may think you’re acting as if you’re the ‘interrogation police’ and they will become very disgruntle about all the questions you’re asking.
Sidebar Ladies remember, the longer you stay living in the fantasy the longer you will stay in a relationship that has no real final destination.
What’s needed here is – A reality check
Some women stay too long, because of feelings of Competition. Feeling as though you’re in competition with other women should never be a reason to stay.
- Many women stay too long, because they believe they can prove to the man that I’m better than any other woman you had before me or any other woman you see in front of you.
This person stays because she does not want to feel like a failure. She has the ‘I need to win’ over everyone else mentality. Everything to her is viewed as a competition. She is not considered the victor until she has the ring on her finger. For this woman, winning is everything so she stays so she can be crowned as his Queen and all the losers should pay attention to her crown.
If you’re here a reality check is necessary as well, but of your motives by asking yourself the question, “why am I doing what I’m doing?” “Do I really want to spend my life with this person or do I need to prove a point to all my haters or competitors?”
What this person is in need of is the operating table, where the wrong motives and intentions can be removed and replaced with honest intentions. Allegra Burton pointed out, “This woman should understand that it’s okay to quit….There’s a time to stop competing so that you can move. Always feeling like you’re always in competition is draining.”
3.Women stay although they are being emotional and physically abused.
This should be a clear sign that you’ve stayed in the relationship too long. Some men, like women, are mass manipulators. And will use many indirect and direct methods to get you to do what they want. Long/short of it you have been psychologically hijacked. The man will always make this woman feel as though she’s at fault when it’s really him, but somehow she walks away believing it’s her. She thinks to herself, “maybe it is me and I need to change” Wrong!
This woman stays, because, being abused physically and mentally is familiar territory for her so although it makes her feel bad, she believes this is how she is suppose to be treated. Therefore, she overcompensates in the way she dresses, wears her hair, and the like to make sure he is always satisfied with her.
Sidebar Ladies remember, “We train our eyes to go with what we do see but not in what we don’t see.” Don’t look away…pay attention. This woman needs discernment, and a good pair of track shoes so she can run out of this situation.
- Some women stay too long because it’s difficult to make a decision.
This is the woman who has the ‘I tried everything I know to do, but maybe there’s one more thing I need to try. This woman is the serial ‘I’m going to give him another chance’. She’s is very aware of what the man is doing, and she’s aware that she should leave, but she finds one more reason she should stay.
Sidebar Ladies Mary J. Blige has a song entitled ‘No Compromise’. In this song, she explained that ‘she doesn’t have any more time or energy to waste’. We all know what that means. In fact, we all know what that feels like…I’m done with this and I’m moving on, no more compromise.
This woman is in a real battle of the mind…Caught between, what we call, ‘A rock and hard place’. The thoughts of ‘I love him’ but ‘I know I need to let him go.’ During this time, family members and good girlfriends can become the best support system to help you move from the place of a decision to the place of action. Be open and honest with your friends about your feelings for him so that you can receive the help you need to move forward.
Allegra Burton explained, “A clear sign that you need to make a decision and move is when you know that the grace that you had to stay there is now gone.”
- Some women stay too long because they don’t want to be alone.
This woman stays in the bad relationship because she does not want to be alone. She is used to having all her time filled up with something. If she leaves him, then she will have an empty space, which I call gaps that she will need to fill up with something. Normally, this is not the first, bad relationship this woman has been involved in. in fact, she has gone from one bad relationship right into another bad one. This woman is afraid that while she is alone she will need to confront herself…Deal with some of the real issues that are going on in her life.
Bishop TD Jakes stated, “You can develop the capacity of being alone, yet not feel lonely.” I think we all understand that making a decision to leave or stay in a relationship is not an easy task. When you make a decision to leave, give yourself time to be alone so that you can filter through all your emotions.
Many women carry around emotional baggage around (Refer to Erykah Badu song ‘Bag Lady’) because they really have not allowed themselves to filter through or grieve the process of the loss relationship. Simply put, get it out. Don’t listen to all the nay Sayers who tell you to ‘suck it up’…sucking it up is good in its place, but trust this, if you don’t allow yourself the time necessary time to heal than those same emotions will rise up again in the next relationship, because you have not properly dealt with them.
Here’s a bonus…. Certainly, this list is not exhaustive
- Some women stay too long because he says and does all the right things in her presence.
Again we must turn to our friend and confidant Mrs. Mary J. Blige song entitled ‘Mr. Wrong’. Many women have been with Mr. wrong, but we sometimes want people to think we have always chosen Mr. Right…Wrong! Look at the divorce rates in our society. This woman is soothed by Mr. Wrong words ‘drip with honey’. Everything he says is pleasing to the ears. Everything he does for her is pleasing. Remember I said, for her. He knows how to be the perfect gentleman to her. He pulls out the chair, he opens cars doors, he makes sure she is well taken care of as long as she nowhere in sight…then his alter ego ‘Mr. Wrong’ comes out. This woman knows he’s Mr. Wrong because normally he’s the talk of the town. He’s been through them…all types. For her, he’s Mr. Right because he treats her right in her presence.
Sidebar ladies, learn to listen with your eyes and not your ears.
Well ladies, in my keke voice, “I’m just reaching out!” I hope I helped somebody proclaim their freedom on today. Remember as I always say, in the words of Cathy Hughes,and that is, “protect your health and your happiness”